Problem: How do you sneak that engine past the ever vigilant eyes of the LeMons Supreme Court? I wish I had a clearer shot, but despite Team Formula M (For Mullet)’s claim that the mill in their beater ‘Stang was a “Ford 306,” it was painfully obvious to all within eyeshot that it was in fact a Ford 460. Probably a 60 over 460. Lots of contraband lumpy cam technology, too. They had bigger problems than their honkin’ motor. Like the fact that they faked their Craig’s List ad. How did we know? They spelled “Crag” wrong. Believe you me, once they popped the hood, Judge Murilee and I were ready to bring the gavels of justice down hard.

Solution: This judging comedy routine business is hard work. You really build up an appetite. But not for hotdogs or Fritos. No, you want real food. The type of dignified chow fit for honorable men. Even if we were less than so. Luckily for our guts, the Mullets knew just the snack! Seriously y’all — this is the greatest bribe in the brief history of Crooked LeMons Judging. Better than all the cash, all the booze and all the boobs that various cheatin’ teams have shoved into our grubby hands. Er, not exactly the boobs… Anyhow, why yes, that is a delicious piece of bacon-wrapped filet mignon being served to moi by a member of team Formula M (For Mullet). You can even see the big chrome grill they rolled up in the background. 

And will you look at that Texas-sized shrimp cocktail! Yum-yum. We especially appreciated their liberal use of lemons. I mean shrimp. Just what the cheatin’ doctor ordered, too, as we let the Formula M boys roll out of our court with just a symbolic five lap penalty. Now before you get all indignant, let me point something out. Little do first time cheaters know that 400+ horsepower at the wheels just doesn’t do you any good in a LeMons race. Not that speed doesn’t count, but 175 hp means you’re already faster than 90% of the competition. Besides, all that extra power just overheats your brakes and opens most moving parts up to metal fatigue (i.e. your wheel pops off). The joke was on us, however: Team Formula M (For Mullet) finished 10th over all. Did I mention that their car had a pop-up airbrake? And because of it they won the much coveted, “Best Use of Banned F1 Technology” trophy. Did the bribe work? That steak was really, really good…