Howdy Y’all! Yesterday we saw the greatest bribe in the brief history of Crooked LeMons Judging. But just because no else topped the surf and turf, doesn’t mean the other bribes were bad. Quite the contrary. Look, when you’re cheating — and racing is cheating — you’ll do whatever it takes to ensure your car goes undeteced. And what better way to prevent justice being served than bribes? Right, booze bribes. Now, I’ve pounded my fair share of Crown Royal and two or three times my fair share of Patron Anejo. Judge Martin is a filthy drunk at times, too. However, we’re both elitist left coast fancy lads and we demand an eliter (eliter?) quality of spirits from our subjects in Flyoverstan. And they delivered (jump). 

Hey, hey, hey now! That’s some fancy booze. Serious — the Milagro is 100% blue agave and far from cheap. Love the box, too. The problem with tequila however, is that once you get into the $50 a bottle atmosphere they’re all kinda, you know, identical. Don’t believe me? There are 65 tequila distilleries in Mexico and close to 7,000 brands of tequila. So you tell me. Now, a full liter of John Powers Irish Whiskey– that right there friends is a bribe. A bribers bribe in fact. See, most of us clueless yanks think of irish whiskey as nothing more than Bushmills. But walk into a Belfast pub and order a glass of Protestant whiskey and you might as well be wearing orange and waving a Union Jack. That’s right — John Powers is proper Catholic whiskey. And hard to find. And fugging delicious. The action was so fast and furious that i couldn’t keep track of which teams bribed us with what. However, the Powers if from Team Punisher Racing. Did the bribe help? They made Jay’s “shit list” on Saturday yet still finished the race. 

Sadly, we were only able to make a tiny dent in the Patron on Friday evening, though I did pour some into the crank case of Team Blind Squirrel Racing’s CRX — along with some metal shavings. That Honda didn’t make it.