We learned yesterday that cash wasn’t absolutely necessary to pull off a convinving bribe — booze works just fine! However, as is the case with Punisher Racing — a bunch of Impalla SS dudes in a cheater Caprice but we can’t figure out how they’re cheatin’ — a bottle of booze might get ‘em a slam on the wrist for four wheels in the dirt. For certain cheats, you’d better bring cash. And plenty of it. Lest face our wrath. Can you imagine what we would have done to Team Big Easys Big Sleazys and their FOURTH GENERATION Camaro had it not been for the bribe? Here’s why: we see plenty of second and third-gen New Jersey wet dream machines at LeMons, but 4th? No way. No how. No. Which is probably why the Big Sleazys duct taped $40 in cash to their cheater engine.
Now, the Big Easys Big Sleazys boys did have a delightful song and dance. See this car survived Katrina! That’s right, water damage up to the door locks. Smelled like a FEMA trailer. Hopeless. Basket Case. Don’t know why they brought it. Can’t compete. Can’t win. But see, this judging thing is essentially poker — you just have to know how to read the tells. Sure, the cash bribe is one thing, but writing “3100 V6″ on the 350 V8′s intake manifold is a big fat guilty sign around their collective necks to the properly trained eye.
Judge Martin and I consulted. I wanted to throw the hammer at ‘em. I’ve been in 12 second F Bodies. No way! Let’s bust ‘em. Fifty laps. One hundred laps. Put ‘em on the trailer right now! But a cooler head prevailed as Murilee pointed out, “Dude, it’s a Camaro. It can’t turn left, it can’t turn right, it can’t win.” Fair point. And the Big Sleazys did come in 33rd place…
We let a couple of the Sleazys’ kids collect all the money and stuff it into our official “Bribe Bucket.” Hey, how would you like to be a Sleazys’ kid?
And we paid ‘em a couple bucks each for their troubles. Seemed like the least we could do — these little girls survived Hurricane Katrina, if their parents’ bullshit stories are to be believed… Not really, but we’ll take the cash.
