About 30 of the most amateur awesome racers the Bay Area has to offer descended on a shall remain nameless East Bay junkyard to participate in the first of what will become innumerable 24 Hours of LeMons Scab-Enger Hunts. The rules were pretty simple — find us a bunch of crap we find funny (heavy-metal cassette tapes, porn, Lucas headlights, prescription medications, etc) and earn points. The teams with the most points win valuable prizes. Well, valuable if you’ve got more testosterone than brains when behind the wheel. And since they all do… The prize is the much coveted Gerald R. Ford Memorial Pardon. That’s right — should you (somehow) spin your $500 crap-mobile into a tire wall, all you need do is present one of us Judges with your get out of jail free card and you’re back in the race with no time in the box. Pretty sweet, no? So who won? Jump!
The competition was pretty fierce. Er, fiercely greasy. What we didn’t count on was teams finding bonus material. You know, stuff we hadn’t foreseen. Like an actual birth certificate, several iPods and a bottle of Holy water. The competition came down to Team Cant Am (325 points), the Porcumbimers (327 points) and Team Huey Newis and the Lose (375 points). This is where the bonus material came into play. Me, Senorita Martin and Head Whack Job Jay Lamm had a brief skull session and decided that the Huey Newis boys had earned themselves an additional 5,000 points. And therefore won. How? Look down.
The perp’s name has been blacked out to protect the very embarrassed, but — what a find! So yeah, super congrats to Huey Newis and the Lose. You’ve done your mothers proud. In addition to the Gerald R. Ford Memorial Pardon that the top three teams all got, Newis and the Lose were also given the I Love Pole Award. i.e. Pole Position. And they ought remember, glory fades you only got one get out of jail free card. Use it well.