Jay Lamm wrote a book. If you’re asking yourself, “who?” all you need know is that he also thought up and founded the 24 Hours of LeMons. So you know it’s going to be really funny at least 49% of the time. What’s this book about? Well sir, the subtitle is, “What Your Car Says About You.” Still lost? Jay enlists the help of Dr. George Rennselear Stralater, a headshrinker, who analyzes both car and driver before handing down a diagnoses. I think. Anyhow, the result is stuff like this:

1990 Range Rover SE
Drink/Drug of Choice: Gin and tonic; Valium; espresso spiked w/Kahlua or Grand Marnier; Muscle Milk; hearing the lamentations of their enemies’ women being driven before them. What’s in the Glove Box: Two extra pairs of $400 designer sunglasses; spare key to lover’s pied-a-terre/vintage Chris-Craft; Smokey Joe-brnad bearing-rebuild-in-a-drum; AAA card. What’s Clipped to the Sun Visor: Gated-community gate opener; pass to restricted country club; office-garage security magnet; bail bondsman’s phone number. Stock Portfolio: Microsoft; Kellogg Brown & Root; Ban-Chai Happy Host Strip Mines and Clearcut LLC (Myanmar Division); Leapfrog Toys. What’s under the Spare-Tire Cover: Callaway titanium driver, broken in half; $5,000 in unmarked bills; snub-nosed .38 with no serial number; traffic flares; cashmere Banana Republic sweater vest used to soak up brake-fluid spill; deflated spare-tire. Diagnosis: Dramaqueenia Nervosa (DN)

Ha ha ha! So funny!

And it’s not just vintage Range Rover owners that take it in the shorts. If you own a Fiat Spider Turbo, Mustang 5.0, BMW 2002 tii, Chevy El Caminos, Volvo 240 Wagon or even a Buick Grand National Jay Lamm is going to stick it to you. No one is safe — so take cover Testarossa owners! You may be asking yourself, how much does a book like this cost? Well, Amazon.com has it going for $13.59 as of this posting. Bargain! I’ve personally read at least most of it. In fact, I’m so enjoying You Are What You Drive that the book has taken the place of honor an arm’s distance from my throne — next to a stack of Bloom County anthologies on one side, and several unopened Tom’s of Maine products on the other. Man, if I only gave Xmas gifts, my friends would be holding their sides from all the funny pictures. But don’t be like me. Buy it: You Are What You Drive